Another weekend is wrapping up. I got a little crafting done, went to see a movie, rented two movies, worked on my website, slept, ate, and on and on, and I still feel empty, void, lost. Tomorrow I'll get back to work and before long I'll be "read for the weekend" all over again, only I don't know why, because weekends are not all they're cracked up to be.
I indicated earlier that I'd talk about Church today. Here goes...
I didn't go to Church today; I didn't even torture myself over thoughts of going. I just checked out.
I don't know how to fix this problem. I don't know how to go back to Church without all the misery that it creates. I feel guilty for all the time I've been away from Church and God. I feel anxious about going to be with a big group of people. I'm scared of not fitting in. I'm afraid of the questions people tend to ask: Where have you been going to Church? How long has it been since you've gone to Church? Do you want to get involved? Will you be back next week? And nervous that no one will even notice I'm there. I hate being alone but I'm awkward interacting with others. I don't want to see anyone I know because I'm afraid what I know about some people might make the judgmental me judge this particular Church and not want to go there. I want to be anonymous and I want to fit in. I am all over the board, and it's very complicated.
I know what I believe, but I don't really know it well enough to have it quizzed right now. There was a time I could have stood up under scrutiny, but not anymore. I hate feeling so inadequate and stupid!
So I stay home. I feel guilty and miserable and unhappy and empty, and I want to change, but I don't know how to change, and I'm afraid I won't be able to change.
So that's it in a nutshell. I'm a chicken. A scaredy-cat. Yellow-bellied, etc. I sit here and regret most of my life and I figure I'm too far gone to be anything better than what I am. Isn't that just sad?
This was a downer of a post, for which I apologize. It doesn't make sense to me either, so don't worry if it doesn't make sense to anyone who stumbles upon this page.
Purple Pizzazz
I indicated earlier that I'd talk about Church today. Here goes...
I didn't go to Church today; I didn't even torture myself over thoughts of going. I just checked out.
I don't know how to fix this problem. I don't know how to go back to Church without all the misery that it creates. I feel guilty for all the time I've been away from Church and God. I feel anxious about going to be with a big group of people. I'm scared of not fitting in. I'm afraid of the questions people tend to ask: Where have you been going to Church? How long has it been since you've gone to Church? Do you want to get involved? Will you be back next week? And nervous that no one will even notice I'm there. I hate being alone but I'm awkward interacting with others. I don't want to see anyone I know because I'm afraid what I know about some people might make the judgmental me judge this particular Church and not want to go there. I want to be anonymous and I want to fit in. I am all over the board, and it's very complicated.
I know what I believe, but I don't really know it well enough to have it quizzed right now. There was a time I could have stood up under scrutiny, but not anymore. I hate feeling so inadequate and stupid!
So I stay home. I feel guilty and miserable and unhappy and empty, and I want to change, but I don't know how to change, and I'm afraid I won't be able to change.
So that's it in a nutshell. I'm a chicken. A scaredy-cat. Yellow-bellied, etc. I sit here and regret most of my life and I figure I'm too far gone to be anything better than what I am. Isn't that just sad?
This was a downer of a post, for which I apologize. It doesn't make sense to me either, so don't worry if it doesn't make sense to anyone who stumbles upon this page.
Purple Pizzazz