Yes, we're half-way through another week. I get caught between "slow down!" and "hurry up, already!" Life is going way too fast, so I'm inclined to shout "slow down!"
I've been reading a lot this week about borderline personality disorder (BPD). It sparked my attention when so many DBT sites were talking about it. I was diagnosed with BPD over 25 years ago. Other psychiatrists in 1993 and 1995 came to the same conclusion. However, my therapist from 1995-2008, as well as my latest psychiatrist haven't felt that it was accurate, so it was removed from the repertoire of diagnoses that is my life.
When I first read about it, I just felt like it meant something was wrong with my personality--like I didn't really have one, which is why no one liked me. That made me not want to be BPD. When Dr. A. decided it wasn't accurate, I was okay with that. I mean, I really have enough wrong with me without having no personality too.
Twenty-five plus years later, I'm looking at it again and wondering what about it didn't click before. It is dead on in describing me!
Some wonder what difference it makes to be diagnosed or not as something/anything. For me, it gives me a sense of not being crazy -- there's a reason I do stupid stuff. It gives me places to look for relief. Why am I this way and how do I fix it?
I'm reading some interesting books about BPD. I will add them to my books list. I can totally relate to so many of the symptoms it talks about. I've always known I acted weird; now I'm beginning to better understand and to see that maybe I can improve. I already have improved as I've gotten older and changed certain aspects of my life. Maybe now that I'm focused on this, I can change even more things so that life isn't always such a stinking roller coaster.
Even at my best, the roller coaster is still there; like I'm always waiting for the big drop followed by the loop de loop. It's awful, because I'm always tense about it, but sometimes it takes forever to happen.
So, can I relax about the drops and loop de loops? Probably not just yet. Maybe later? I don't know. At least now I know that other people feel this way, AND not every other person feels this way. That makes a difference to me. There is a real reason why I behave the way I do and feel the way I do. When I hear "everybody feels that way," I want to scream, because if everybody feels the way I do all the time, then suicide rates would have to be substantially higher. I'm here to tell you that living with this beast is not easy. But maybe there's hope for the future.
I ought to be just about in control of all of my mental health issues just about the time I die of old age. :)
Purple Pizzazz
I've been reading a lot this week about borderline personality disorder (BPD). It sparked my attention when so many DBT sites were talking about it. I was diagnosed with BPD over 25 years ago. Other psychiatrists in 1993 and 1995 came to the same conclusion. However, my therapist from 1995-2008, as well as my latest psychiatrist haven't felt that it was accurate, so it was removed from the repertoire of diagnoses that is my life.
When I first read about it, I just felt like it meant something was wrong with my personality--like I didn't really have one, which is why no one liked me. That made me not want to be BPD. When Dr. A. decided it wasn't accurate, I was okay with that. I mean, I really have enough wrong with me without having no personality too.
Twenty-five plus years later, I'm looking at it again and wondering what about it didn't click before. It is dead on in describing me!
Some wonder what difference it makes to be diagnosed or not as something/anything. For me, it gives me a sense of not being crazy -- there's a reason I do stupid stuff. It gives me places to look for relief. Why am I this way and how do I fix it?
I'm reading some interesting books about BPD. I will add them to my books list. I can totally relate to so many of the symptoms it talks about. I've always known I acted weird; now I'm beginning to better understand and to see that maybe I can improve. I already have improved as I've gotten older and changed certain aspects of my life. Maybe now that I'm focused on this, I can change even more things so that life isn't always such a stinking roller coaster.
Even at my best, the roller coaster is still there; like I'm always waiting for the big drop followed by the loop de loop. It's awful, because I'm always tense about it, but sometimes it takes forever to happen.
So, can I relax about the drops and loop de loops? Probably not just yet. Maybe later? I don't know. At least now I know that other people feel this way, AND not every other person feels this way. That makes a difference to me. There is a real reason why I behave the way I do and feel the way I do. When I hear "everybody feels that way," I want to scream, because if everybody feels the way I do all the time, then suicide rates would have to be substantially higher. I'm here to tell you that living with this beast is not easy. But maybe there's hope for the future.
I ought to be just about in control of all of my mental health issues just about the time I die of old age. :)
Purple Pizzazz